diary of a troubled goddess

The joys and trials of a Jo'bug girl, trying to find love and happiness in the city whilst doing minimal damage to her soul.these are my thought, my feelings, paranoia and fantasies

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

lots of tears and a little bit of laughter

My gran passed away and its been a difficult week for me and my family. Its nothing that I really want to speak about here tho. L has been amazig the whole time. Came to see the morning after my gran passed. I feel like he was sent here to be with me right now ‘coz I actually needed him. In th emotional sense, he was someone for me to lean on, specifically a man for me to lean on. I have plenty of men in my life that could do that but sometimes there is nothing more comforting than the arms of a lover.

He’s been a bit stressed so last nite we decided to chill and unwind. We hung out with a couple of friends and had drinks. The thing about L is that he just makes me feel good. Since no one really knows wassup with us (they might suspect it but they don’t have the facts to back it up and I’m not about to let them know) we tried real hard to be as “normal” as possible. We did okay but @ some point we had to go down stairs and steal a moment. This man has me wanting to do all kinds of crazy things. The chemistry between us is sick. At some point we were on the kitchen floor, me on top of him, killing ourselves laughing and kissing. It is so easy with him.

Either than that we were all chilling and chatting over booze (on a Monday nite nogal) and a good friend of mine Nhlax whipped out a Lady Smith Black Mambazo DVD. For those who don’t know, this is a famous South African group that sings scathamiya music which is music that originated from the mines. These men are amazingly talented, the acapella’s that they do are out of this world. All of this wihtout any instruments. It made us get onto the discussion of how much South African youth seems to be losing touch with their culture. It’s the saddest thing coz if you don’t knw who you are and why you are the way you are, then you are fucked. We reached the conclusion that it seems like the older we get, the more we want to know about ourselves and our people and all that being black is about. I’m hoping this is true for the generations following us.
The other day I met a beautiful black boy about 6 years old. He couldn’t speak an African language. That to me was sad and disgusting. It’s the parents fault. Someone explian to me how the fuck you raise a black man in Africa and yet he cant speak his Mother tongue???!!!????
. Black folks are losing the plot, we actually don’t see the richness and beauty of our own culture. I fear that it is getting lost and being replaced by some twisted white man’s truth of how life should be lived.

I’m trying to get serious about my weight loss plan. Logically I know that I am not that large but for my structure this is not on. My eating patterns have been so fucked up. Yesterday I only ate a yoghurt but tioday I woke up feeling hung over. The first thing I did was drive to buy Coke and a greasy meal. I need to strike a balance. The saddest part is that a year or so ago I had a good exercise and diet regime, I looked fantastic and now all of that has evaporated. Ive been getting no exercise and its showing. Plan on hitting the gym and befriending Tae-bo again. All of that and some sexercise should have me sorted out.

lata
My gran passed away and its been a difficult week for me and my family. Its nothing that I really want to speak about here tho. L has been amazig the whole time. Came to see the morning after my gran passed. I feel like he was sent here to be with me right now ‘coz I actually needed him. In th emotional sense, he was someone for me to lean on, specifically a man for me to lean on. I have plenty of men in my life that could do that but sometimes there is nothing more comforting than the arms of a lover.

He’s been a bit stressed so last nite we decided to chill and unwind. We hung out with a couple of friends and had drinks. The thing about L is that he just makes me feel good. Since no one really knows wassup with us (they might suspect it but they don’t have the facts to back it up and I’m not about to let them know) we tried real hard to be as “normal” as possible. We did okay but @ some point we had to go down stairs and steal a moment. This man has me wanting to do all kinds of crazy things. The chemistry between us is sick. At some point we were on the kitchen floor, me on top of him, killing ourselves laughing and kissing. It is so easy with him.

Either than that we were all chilling and chatting over booze (on a Monday nite nogal) and a good friend of mine Nhlax whipped out a Lady Smith Black Mambazo DVD. For those who don’t know, this is a famous South African group that sings scathamiya music which is music that originated from the mines. These men are amazingly talented, the acapella’s that they do are out of this world. All of this wihtout any instruments. It made us get onto the discussion of how much South African youth seems to be losing touch with their culture. It’s the saddest thing coz if you don’t knw who you are and why you are the way you are, then you are fucked. We reached the conclusion that it seems like the older we get, the more we want to know about ourselves and our people and all that being black is about. I’m hoping this is true for the generations following us.
The other day I met a beautiful black boy about 6 years old. He couldn’t speak an African language. That to me was sad and disgusting. It’s the parents fault. Someone explian to me how the fuck you raise a black man in Africa and yet he cant speak his Mother tongue???!!!????
. Black folks are losing the plot, we actually don’t see the richness and beauty of our own culture. I fear that it is getting lost and being replaced by some twisted white man’s truth of how life should be lived.

I’m trying to get serious about my weight loss plan. Logically I know that I am not that large but for my structure this is not on. My eating patterns have been so fucked up. Yesterday I only ate a yoghurt but tioday I woke up feeling hung over. The first thing I did was drive to buy Coke and a greasy meal. I need to strike a balance. The saddest part is that a year or so ago I had a good exercise and diet regime, I looked fantastic and now all of that has evaporated. Ive been getting no exercise and its showing. Plan on hitting the gym and befriending Tae-bo again. All of that and some sexercise should have me sorted out.

lata

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

a lil' bit of romance

i'm still new at this but since no one evn knows i have a blog, i feel like im talking to myself. anywhoooo. ive been having a little bit of romance in my life and im lapping it up. its with the same man L that i said im not gonna invest much in. we've been "hanging out" for about a month or so now and its been so much fun. i've known this man for a while, did i ever think i would see him in this lite???no, granted i thought he was fine, but just didnt see him that way.

All our dates have been fabulous.its been easy, it just flows nicely. He took me on one of my favourite dates to date (top 3). We went on a picninc at the lake. He was so organised, the food was great, the wine fabulous and he even got strwberrie and cream. we were so caught up in our conversation that we even forgot about all the physical ish. What I really liked is that he never pushed for the physical, it drifted nicely at its own pace. I never at any point felt like he was out to get into my pants in a hurry. So we kept on hanging out, he’s the attentive type. Initially I wasn’t sure if it was legit or if it’s the act that some niggaz put on in an effort to get laid. But cool, I felt comfy around him and he still had those kisses that made me wanna…


at some point i was pretty sure that i was going to sleep with him. i feel like this man straight up and down seduce me. He had on the candles, he looked yummy, the ambience was just on point and the red wine was flowing nicely. The massage was off the hinges, not too hard, not too soft. i dont believe in perfection but he had it very close to having all just right. and im not talking that cheezy movie romantic, just real and simple and very effective. anyway like i said, i think ive been seduced and i like it


It good hot very quickly and hell it was well worth the wait. This man is gifted in every way that a man can be gifted. Im not gona go into the nitty gritty of it all, . Technique, stamina –all that was on point. He is ultra sweet with that bad boy streak every girl needs now and again. It was hot.

So now we kinds doing each other on what some people may call the regular, I like it, no im lying I love it. Havent been able to get him off my mind. And its not just the hot sex, it’s the conversations and how he laughs and all. The weird thing is that i'm not getting that feeling i usually get. round about now i would start wanting more, a commitment, arelationship, all of that. thats just how i am normally but guess what ??That hasnt come. i want nothing more than what im getting. im having fun, i have someone to spend time with, i have daily calls and chats and i am having crazy good sex. i am so content with it. i just want his friendship, companionship and the sex. just trying to enjoy the ride

The thing about L is thathe has all parts of me confused .he is a gentleman,on the surface . Then he got that freak, that naughty, crazy side to him. The pot head who hits it the right way, who’ll do crazy things to you, then feed you strawberries and cream whilst he strokes your hair, its almost schizo.but I like it. that makes me loopy huh?!?

my grans been really sick and i have been able to talk to him about it. im scared when it comes to her. seems like i am emotionally weak, cant keep the tears inside. but our love transcend all

lata dayz

p.s, this was atually written on the 16 of august, not the date on top

kisse :)

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

I had a lovely evening yesterday, got home from work into a hot bath with a glass of good red wine. My mother dropped by for a chat and then a certain cutie dropped by. Im gonna call this man L, he is handsome, considerate, kisses like a dream and all that but have you ever had that gut feeling that lets you know not to invest too much of your energy in something. thats what i feel and I'm smart enough to know i have to follow my gut. But that's not going to stop me from having fun with him.

I'm a disaster when it comes to men, seemingly i'm paying for old sins, karma is always a bitch.
Woke up this morning and the person staring back @ me looked like a distant cousin of godzilla, was not impressed, tried not to speak negatively to myself (is it just me or does everyone find themselves saying the meanest things o themselves??)am trying to stop that, the comments were starting to get real bad. after cleverly putting on my make up, felt and looked a bit better and decided to face the world.

speaking to my best friend made me realise how blessed i am for having people that love me with all my flaws and bullshit. people that i dont have to pretend with. feelling optimistic today so i guess thats a step forward.

lata ayz

Monday, August 07, 2006

monday blues

its been one of those mondays where I felt like I'd pissed off the universe, nothing went right. first it was petty stuff, my cousin taking my favourite jacket that i wanted to wear today without asking my permission. Then it got worse, just as i finished my last gulp of tea and was about to rush out and catch my bus, i realised my keys weren't in their normal place. So i look around furiously, turning over stuff, basically making my place more of a mess than it already is. Time is ticking, i make peace that i have missed the bus coz I'm looking for these damn keys. I looked evrywhere and they were nowhere. Because im not a complete dtz, i know they have to be in the house coz im locked in and no one else was in the house. So I burst into tears and called my dad (part demi god part superman part beautifully flawed-i just love this man). An hour later my mother comes and brings me extra keys, i cry on her lap for some minutes, then she takes me to work. So much for being an adult. Am so grateful for my folks, being grown is so hectic and i think thats part of the reason why i cried.

the day seems to be getting better (or is it just caffeine?) I miss my sisters coz even though we fight like deranged people, the love is so there. i also miss my girl vee, feels like its been forever but i know it hasn't, just that her enrgy is so refreshing and she's so cool.

Fell in love with dog agin this weekend, she makes me wanna be a mother.
Does anyone know what a gorl has to do to spot some fine brothaz in this town??Damn, its dry as f*ck and my needs are starting to make me supa cranky. all the potentials are either shady setups or men i like but wouldnt wanna get naked with :) Strating to feel like maybe I'm the problem.

making a conscious effort to be happy, was starting to get that jaded look unhappy people get-scary. haven't felt pretty in months so am working on that, it can really depress a goddess.

am on diet and back at the gym and trying to take better care of my, no more substances. will see how that goes.

wheh. long but i feel better, this is a cool way to exorcise those demons, no matter how willy

lata

Friday, August 04, 2006

my introduction

This is my first posting and I'm looking forward to having this blog. In this space I plan to speak without editing myself and let all those feelings and thoughts and eccentricities come alive. To say briefly who i am. I'm a 20 something black girl living In Johannesburg, south Africa. my quest is to find love and happiness all whilst making money, attempting to look good, trying to be responsible, not losing my mind etc-just the normal stuff people do. I love writing, reading, music, mainly soul and hip hop, good food and beautiful men. the past few years havent been what I'd expected them to be, but I am the eternal optimist and romantic. I hope to conversate and swap ideas with other people from all over. the name for my blog comes from the fact that some people say I act like a princess/goddess (they dont mean it in agood way) The troubled part comes from the fact that on an ordinary I'm troubled, but the again who isnt?

there's a gang of questions and opinions about all kinds issues , so this will be the space that i use to put my demons to sleep. a carthasis of some sort

lata